For Parents Supporting Children Through Crisis
Devastating fires are burning in so many communities around the world right now, throughout the USA, across Canada and the EU. If you're in one of these places, we see you, and we are thinking of you.
And close to our own hearts in Spokane, the town we at Circle of Security International call home, three massive fires are actively burning. To our Spokane neighbors especially, we're holding you close.
Almost every child on the planet could say some version of this:
"When the world feels scary and I don't know what to do with what I'm feeling, I can get clingy, or out of control, or downright annoying. I can withdraw, explode, or do seventeen things that leave you feeling lost as a parent."
Welcome to the club. Parenting is hard even on ordinary days, and fires bring a sense of vulnerability that makes an already tough job tougher. Parents could use a little help.
A Shared Understanding
At COSI, we hold to a simple truth: trauma is any feeling or event too big to handle alone. Adult or child, the same rule applies. When we're overwhelmed, we need someone committed to being here for us and with us. That's true for everyone you will ever know.
The hard part is that when parents are overwhelmed too, it's difficult to offer children the very thing they need most: a caregiver who is Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind™, the heart of everything Circle of Security is about.
What Children Need in Traumatic Times
During frightening events like wildfires, children feel turned upside down with heightened fear, heightened helplessness. Attachment research is clear that in these moments, children instinctively look to their caregivers for comfort and safety. But when parents are frightened by the same events, it's hard to feel confident about how to help.
So here's what decades of research and practice tell us actually makes a difference:
- Children need to know you're a solid resource. A Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind presence who offers steady availability and clear direction.
- Children need help making sense of the uncertainty. More than problem solving, what they need most is a caregiver willing to simply be with whatever they're feeling, listening to their worries, reassuring them that someone is looking out for them. A few minutes each day of this kind of listening can make a real difference.
- You are the center of your child's world. More than anyone else, you are the resource that matters most to your child right now.
In Your Child's Words
"When I'm scared, I need you to:"
- Soothe me
- Be kind
- Be bigger than me, stay in charge
- Sit with me at least once a day, comfort me, and let me tell you how scared I still am
- And I need you to lean on another adult who can help you, too.
Our experience across decades of working with parents is simple: when these guidelines are followed, good things happen.
"It turns out parenting isn't rocket science. It's strong, kind, committed presence, offered again and again, one day at a time."
And remember, you also need to have an adult to talk with who can offer you help, so you can help your child.
To Our Spokane Neighbors, and to Every Community in the Path of These Fires
We're holding you close. You don't have to have it figured out. You just have to stay close.
To help guide these conversations, we've put together the Circle of Security Following a Traumatic Event handout, simple guidance for parents on how to help children feel safe following a traumatic event.
