When Shark Music Gets Louder
The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and connection, yet for many of us, the approach of family gatherings brings a familiar knot in our stomach. Perhaps it's the uncle who always has strong opinions about your life choices, the sibling who brings up old grievances, or the parent whose disapproval still stings after all these years.
If we think of relationships as roads we travel together, the holidays often reveal just how many potholes have formed over time, those unresolved hurts, misunderstandings, and moments of disconnection that we've learned to navigate around rather than repair.
The holidays have a unique way of amplifying what Circle of Security calls "Shark Music," that internal alarm system that goes off when we feel vulnerable, anxious, or unsafe in relationships. Maybe your Shark Music starts playing when you think about sitting around the dinner table with family members who feel more like strangers. Or when you anticipate the inevitable conversation that always seems to go sideways.
During holiday gatherings, our Shark Music can get triggered because:
- We're thrown back into old family dynamics and roles
- We feel pressured to perform happiness or togetherness
- We're carrying expectations (our own and others') about how things "should" be
When Shark Music plays loudly, we can fall into familiar patterns of blame, withdrawal, or trying to control the situation. We might find ourselves thinking, "If only they would..." or "Why can't they just..." These thoughts, while natural, keep us stuck and make it harder to access the empathy and understanding that could actually help.
The Holiday Pothole Effect
Just like those potholes in the road, family relationship ruptures tend to accumulate over time. Maybe it was the Christmas when someone said something hurtful, or the Thanksgiving when political differences exploded into harsh words. Instead of addressing these pothole moments directly, we drove around the hole in the road by changing the subject when certain topics came up, keeping conversations at a surface-level, or simply spending less time together.
The problem is that, over time, all this pothole-avoidance takes enormous energy. Imagine driving down a road spending all your energy trying to avoid the potholes.
We become hypervigilant about what we say and how we say it. We might rehearse conversations beforehand or feel exhausted after family gatherings from all the careful navigating we've been doing.
Circle of Security as Your Holiday GPS
The Circle of Security offers us a different way to understand and navigate these challenging family relationships. Here's how its core principles can bring both insight and comfort:
Recognize Your Own Shark Music
The first step is developing awareness of what triggers you. Do you feel small and criticized around certain family members? Do you feel responsible for everyone's happiness? Do you sacrifice your true self to feel included? Understanding your own patterns helps you respond more thoughtfully rather than reactively.
Honor the Struggle
Both yours and theirs. That difficult family member likely has their own Shark Music playing. Their criticism or withdrawal might be their way of managing their own anxiety or hurt. This doesn't excuse harmful behavior, but it can help us hold the complexity of family relationships with more compassion.
Focus on Felt Safety
You can't control how others behave, but you can take steps to increase your own sense of safety. This might mean setting gentle boundaries, having a support person to text during difficult moments, or giving yourself permission to take breaks when needed.
Small Repairs Matter
You don't have to fix decades of family dynamics in one holiday gathering. Sometimes repair looks like a genuine compliment, a moment of shared laughter, or simply choosing not to take the bait when someone tries to start an argument.
Finding Security on Uncertain Roads
The goal isn't to eliminate all potholes from family relationships—some may be there for good reason, marking places where safety genuinely broke down. The goal is to develop the wisdom to know when to attempt repair and when to simply drive carefully.
Circle of Security teaches us that security is built through countless small moments of connection, not through perfect relationships. During the holidays, this might look like:
- Choosing curiosity over judgment when someone says something that triggers you
- Offering genuine appreciation for positive moments, however small
- Being present for connection when it's offered, even if it's different than what you hoped for
- Protecting yourself from harmful interactions while remaining open to positive ones
The Gift of Understanding
Perhaps the greatest gift Circle of Security offers us during holiday gatherings is perspective. When we understand that everyone is trying to manage their own Shark Music and their fears about being rejected, misunderstood, or not good enough, we can hold space for both our own experience and theirs.
This doesn't mean accepting poor treatment or pretending everything is fine when it isn't. It means approaching family relationships with the same wisdom we'd bring to any important journey: preparing well, staying alert to road conditions, and being willing to slow down when necessary.
The holidays will likely always bring some relationship potholes to navigate. But with Circle of Security as our guide, we can travel these roads with greater confidence, knowing that security isn't about having perfect family relationships—it's about showing up authentically and staying open to the connections that are possible, right here, right now.
