Sometimes we think about the top and the bottom of the Circle as relationship needs that are mutually exclusive of each other. But much like a seesaw, when we lean more heavily to one side of the Circle the needs on the other side shift.
A mom shared a story about how understanding this balance between the top and the bottom of the Circle has helped to improve her relationship with her twelve-year old daughter.
Early on, this mom recognized she struggled with giving comfort on the bottom. Much to her surprise, she discovered that because she was uncomfortable with closeness on the bottom she was busy trying to maintain closeness with her daughter on the top of the Circle, even when her daughter needed to go out and explore. So now she recognized how her struggle with closeness on the bottom affected her capacity to support exploration on the top.
The mom shared how her daughter was so clingy and how she has been working hard since learning the Circle to make a point to both Welcome her in and Be With her on the bottom of the Circle and then to also support her exploration on the top of the Circle.
As a result, she has noticed that her daughter "barely needs her" any more at night. Before the group, her daughter called out for her and would drag out the bedtime routine for over an hour each night. Now mom spends a few minutes with her, tucks her in, says prayers together, and turns out the light. And it's good enough.
But that's not all. Her daughter has also for the first time started to do sleepovers with friends. This mom noted that her daughter is so much more comfortable being apart. "I wanted to be more comfortable with her going out and not so uncomfortable with her coming in. This is what I wanted, but now I am so uncomfortable with things. It's my Shark Music. I realize that I was the one who needed that from her, and that my need was causing the behavior in her."
When parents change, children tend to respond. When the focus is on changing the child, the outcomes are not as successful.
