In a recent Fidelity Coaching session, my coach said something that really struck me and I have continued to think about since. I have been working with classroom teachers from the COSP lens, and in reflecting on the teacher-student relationship, she said “unlike parents, as teachers, we don’t start out loving them.”
That really hit me, because of course, in the classroom, that connection only comes through a relationship built over time. What struck me was how much more quickly this love grows when we begin to see things through the COSP lens.
It was a new classroom for me this year, while the other two teachers there had already built relationships with the children and each other over the past year. One little boy in particular was giving me lots of push back when I had to set limits. There was a lot of anger and I knew from the get go I had to earn his trust. I had heard comments from the other staff like "he's really difficult" and "a hard nut to crack."
This turned out to be true in a way but I held in mind what I had learned from COSP. I thought “I’m going to be his Hands – to set limits in a Bigger, Stronger, Wiser and Kind way.” For the first week or two, this was really difficult. He would get so angry and sometimes hit out at me. I stuck with it. It was usually around wanting to do the same job on the jobs chart – other children wanted a turn too. I would acknowledge his feelings saying “I know this is hard for you. You’re really angry.” Then, “I’m going to write a note and put it right here so tomorrow, it will be your turn.”
I always made sure to follow through. Then, after a week or two, I noticed when I set that limit, he would get angry a few minutes later. I could be kneeling on the floor reading a story and he would come and jump on my back, really hard. Because of COSP, I was able to see this behavior as a miscue. I would say “Is that my friend Ryan? Do you need a hug?” And, to my surprise he would say "yeah."
Really, he was checking in with me after I’d set a limit, wondering "does she still love/like me even though I was angry?" Of course I did, but he needed to know that (many times over). Because of COSP, I was able to show him that.
Our relationship is a work in progress. It's not a fairy tale - he doesn't run in and hug me first thing like lots of the children do (that's just not his thing, and that's OK). Instead, he runs to the other side of the room and does a somersault on arrival. I make sure to always check in with him where we have greeting time and I let him know I'm so happy he's here. He can accept the limits now and doesn’t get so angry. I think he’s confident he can trust me. It certainly took some time but the love is there now…both ways.
Registered COSP Facilitator, Dublin Ireland
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