There's a moment every parent knows intimately: a child looks up, eyes bright and searching, after stacking the final block or finishing their drawing.
There’s that smile and then, almost automatically, "Good job!"
It's warm, well-intentioned, and genuinely loving. But it's worth pausing to consider, what is a child learning in that moment?
What Children Really Need: Being Seen, Not Evaluated
Research shows that when children consistently receive generic praise, those "Good jobs," and "You're so smart" responses, they often begin focusing more on earning approval than on their own experience of discovery.
But when adults share what they notice, "You kept trying even when it was tricky," “You used lots of color there,” children develop stronger intrinsic motivation and self-worth. They learn to find satisfaction within themselves rather than depending solely on external validation.
Here's what's crucial: this isn't about praise being harmful. It's about recognizing that beneath every "Look at me!" moment is a deeper need, the fundamental human need to be truly seen and delighted in.
The Circle of Security Difference
In Circle of Security, we understand that when a child seeks our connection, they're asking something much deeper than "Did I do well?"
They're asking: "Do you see me? Am I enough? Do you hold me in your mind?”
Young children experience themselves through our eyes. They come to know their worth by seeing it reflected in our faces. In moments of shared delight, we communicate something profound: "You are lovable and worthy, exactly as you are."
This distinction, between delighting in who your child is versus what your child does, changes everything.
Should I Stop Saying "Good Job"?
Absolutely not. You're not going to harm your child if you say "good job."
One of Circle of Security's core principles is that good enough parenting, not perfect parenting, is what builds security. If "good job" bubbles up in a moment of real joy and connection, trust that. Your warmth and delight matter more than your exact words.
The shift we're inviting is subtle but powerful: let your delight in your child lead, rather than your evaluation of their performance. And as research tells us, tune into your child's needs in the moment and respond to that. If it's something they've worked hard on, show them you noticed that effort.
When Delight Leads: The Power of Presence
Here's something remarkable about delight: it's primarily expressed without words at all.
Your child reads your face like a beloved book. They see the softness in your eyes, the genuine smile that reaches those eyes, the way your whole being seems to say, "I am so glad to be here with you." These nonverbal messages carry far more weight than any words we choose.
When delight leads, our words become less important than our presence. Whether we say "good job" or "wow" or say nothing at all, what our child receives is the deeper message: "You bring me joy. Being with you is a gift to me."
Trust What You Already Know
Caregivers already know how to delight in their children—it's often our very first response. The invitation isn't to learn new skills but to trust what you already know: that your genuine enjoyment of your child is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer.
True self-esteem doesn't come from being told we're good. It comes from the deep, repeated experience of being genuinely enjoyed by the people who matter most to us.
Research References:
- The Effects of Praise on Children’s Intrinsic Motivation: A Review and Synthesis
- The Role of Descriptive and Non-Specific Outcome-Oriented Praise in Child Self-Esteem: A Multiphase, Multimethod Investigation
- The Effects of Praise on Children’s Intrinsic Motivation Revisited
Learn More About Delighting in Your Child:
Delight in Me: The Origins of Self-Worth
Research Spotlight: Parental Warmth in Childhood Echoes for a Lifetime
