What Circle of Security offers when your child has grown up but the relationship is still growing
Your 28-year-old daughter calls, upset about a work conflict. Part of you wants to jump in with solutions. Another part wonders if you should say anything at all. You love her fiercely, but navigating this relationship feels completely different than when she was seven and scraped her knee.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.
Dr. Rana Pishva, a clinical psychologist and Circle of Security facilitator from Ottawa, works with parents navigating these very waters. "I sit with adults longing for connection with their parents," she shares, "and with parents who feel confused or unsure about how to support their grown child."
The good news? The same wisdom that guided you when your child was small can guide you now. It just looks different.
Being "Bigger, Stronger, Wiser and Kind" with Adult Children
At Circle of Security, we talk about being "Bigger, Stronger, Wiser and Kind," providing the emotional foundation children need to feel secure. But here's what might surprise you: your adult children still need this from you. It just doesn't look like bandaging scraped knees anymore.
When your child was little, being Bigger and Stronger meant you were literally in charge. You managed their world, could physically intervene to keep them safe, and made the big decisions.
With adult children, it's about emotional leadership. You recognize the influence you still have while knowing when to step back. You show wisdom by waiting to be asked for advice instead of jumping in with solutions. You remain kind by listening without judgment when they're struggling, even when their choices worry you.
As Dr. Pishva explains, “You're still their safety net, but now it's invisible. They need to know you're there without feeling like you're hovering, or judging”
Following Their Lead (Even When It's Hard)
"Following your child's need" means noticing when the child needs comfort or encouragement to explore. In the early years, this tends to be more obvious as toddlers literally venture from their parents’ laps and back again.
Now? It means respecting where they are in life and the choices they make, even when it's uncomfortable to watch. Maybe your son is taking longer to "launch" than you expected. Maybe your daughter is making career choices you don't understand. Following your adult child’s need means listening more than advising, asking what kind of support they want instead of assuming. Sometimes, parents of adult children step in with more concrete help, like financial support or a room in the basement. But even that type of help comes after discussion and less direction from parents.
As one parent shared, "My 24-year-old moved back home after college. Everything in me wanted to create a timeline and rules. Instead, I asked what would help him feel supported while he figured out his next steps. That conversation changed everything."
Taking Charge Looks Different Now
With little ones, taking charge might mean setting and following through with bedtime or intervening when things get rough between siblings.
With adult children, taking charge is more subtle but equally important. It might mean pausing an escalating conversation. "I can see we're both getting heated. Let's take a break and come back to this." It could mean clearly stating your own boundaries while maintaining warmth.
Taking charge with an adult child still means being the one to initiate repair after conflict. Your adult child might see things differently than you do, but you can take ownership for your part and work toward reconnection.
The Question That Never Changes
Whether your child is 3 or 33, at the heart of every interaction is the same question: "Do you delight in me? Do you love me just as I am?"
Your adult child might have become someone you didn't quite expect. They might have different values, make different choices, or live a different life than you imagined. But your ability to show delight in who they are (not who you hoped they'd be) is one of the greatest gifts you can offer.
The Relationship Is Growing Up
While the fundamentals remain the same, the relationship gets to deepen and evolve. The Circle of Security doesn't end when your “child” turns 18 or 25. It just gets bigger, creating space for the adults they've become while honoring the bond that's been there all along. Your wisdom as a parent didn't disappear when they grew up. It just needs to grow up too.
