Introduction to the Core Sensitivities
Attachment theory and research have taught us that humans are ‘hard-wired’ to be in relationship with caring others. Feeling alone in the world is overwhelming. At the same time, some of us might notice that while the thought of being close to someone is very comforting, a partner’s actual needs feel demanding or even smothering in reality. Others may find that any kind of emotional distance from a partner feels threatening. And some people keep focus on being acceptable or good enough, losing focus on the partnership amidst the internal pressure to be seen as special.
Developed from object relations theory–particularly the work of James Masterson and Ralph Klein–as well as attachment theory, the Circle of Security organizes relationship patterns into what we call Core Sensitivities. Core Sensitivities are non-conscious protective strategies that help us avoid emotional pain when we perceive a person threatening intrusion, abandonment, or criticism in a relationship. Understanding Core Sensitivities is key to recognizing and managing our relational patterns. For clinicians, Core Sensitivities provide new ways to understand key relational patterns and to leverage those patterns in therapy with clients.
Understanding Our Sensitivities
We all have relationship vulnerabilities that we may or may not perceive, and we have all developed patterns of behavior that protect us in relationships – welcome to the club! We all attempt to defend ourselves from aspects of relationships that make us uncomfortable. At the extreme, our Core Sensitivity can become pathological: an intense need for affirmation of self-worth might turn into narcissism, for example.
But by and large, the vast majority of us rely on gentler forms of navigating our sensitivities as we build friendships, create relationships and seek solace. Unfortunately, we might also find that as we attempt to create stability in our more important relationships, our sensitivities lead us to construct unspoken rules for how to behave or interact with others. We set up expectations for friends, co-workers and partners to follow these unspoken rules and, in the process, our core sensitivity may bump up against their sensitivity in ways that feel uncomfortable and lead to conflict.
The Core Sensitivities aren’t describing actions we take or even necessarily the behavior we manifest; instead, they categorize the motivation for our actions. Understanding our motivations and sensitivities as well as those of our relationship partner can help us step out of the constricting roles we set for ourselves and others. We can foster the meaningful interactions that were difficult within our former relationship strategy.
There are three Core Sensitivities. Each Core Sensitivity forms in response to particular “Shark Music”—a term Circle of Security model uses to describe the internal alarm system that signals perceived danger, leading to protective behaviors.
ESTEEM SENSITIVITY:
Esteem-sensitive individuals feel compelled to be seen positively, focusing on their own accomplishments and acceptability. Perceived criticism is difficult to accept, and becomes a threat to closeness. People who are esteem-sensitive might focus on how they’re positively perceived in a relationship, at the cost of giving attention to the relationship itself.
SAFETY SENSITIVITY:
People who are safety-sensitive are uncomfortable with others intruding into their sense of self. They tend to pull back as partners engage. At the same time, it can be equally discomforting to keep others too distant; they might feel a desire for a close, intimate relationship but find themselves uneasy when closeness is called for. It could feel like relationships require giving in to someone else or that connectivity brings up feelings of being “too close.”
SEPARATION SENSITIVITY:
People who identify as separation-sensitive are focused on keeping relationships very close, and often feel threatened at the suggestion of distance or an important person’s lack of focus on the relationship. Fear of abandonment is strong, and might result in a willingness for people who are separation-sensitive to sacrifice their own individuality or wellbeing to make the relationship “work.”
Learn More About Core Sensitivities
For professionals in the relational health field, knowing yourself—and especially your defenses—is helpful in working with others. Core Sensitivities provide a systematic understanding of our pervasive and often hidden struggles and offer a coherent road map that can help bring clarity to the specific and predictable reactions that show up when we listen to our Shark Music rather than responding accurately to the present moment. Circle of Security offers online courses that can help you reflect on your own defenses and how they might impact your work with others.
Anyone working in human services will benefit from learning more deeply about themselves using the Core Sensitivity framework. While Shark Music and Core Sensitivities is a good starting point, The Human Condition: A Journey Through the Core Sensitivities with Kent Hoffman is a deeper dive into that framework. “The Human Condition” includes hours of video learning, interactive private journaling, discussion board participation, and Live Sessions with a Guide and fellow participants. Some providers take these courses in sequence, finding that the self-understanding that comes with that deeper dive provides fresh insights into working with clients.
“As I sift through all the information brought to this space, I notice my own fears, defences and vulnerabilities rise and fall as I analyse my close relationships and my work as a therapist. It is confronting and humbling…….. but also empowering”
Human Condition Learner
Registered Circle of Security Parenting Facilitators looking for tools to use the Core Sensitivities in their facilitation may be interested in Shark Music and the Core Sensitivities, Part II of our Path to Secure Hands Learning Series. This course links key themes like Shark Music and Limited Circles with the Core Sensitivities. The course helps COSP Facilitators recognize and manage their own Shark Music by learning to identify predictable patterns in their relationships, as well as to support caregivers and early care professionals in doing the same.
“The [Shark Music and the Core Sensitivities] course has provided me with a deeper understanding of core sensitivities and makes it easier to track core sensitivities in my practice. The course is diverse, and despite being online, I felt very engaged throughout the course, which enhanced the overall outcome of the course for me. In addition to the knowledge gained from the course, there are really good handouts that support my work going forward.”
COSP Facilitator
