4 Ways COSP Supports Parents of Neurodivergent Children
People often ask if Circle of Security Parenting (COSP) is helpful for caregivers of neurodivergent children. Here’s the good news: All humans have a fully functioning attachment system. For neurodivergent children, the expression of attachment needs may look different. COSP helps parents of neurodivergent children unpack their unique challenges so they may identify underlying needs and miscues. When behavior makes sense, parents have a new opportunity to meet their children’s needs in ways that support security- this is where COSP can be helpful.
Dr. Georgina Davis, a COSP facilitator, has worked with many families where neurodivergence is part of the picture.
I was a little daunted at first to see if the Circle would still ‘fit’ with our population of children. I wondered whether the Circle would make sense to our caregivers given the video clips were (at least on the surface) those of neurotypical children. I need not have been worried. What I have been privileged to learn is that even though the Circle can sometimes look a bit different and take more reflection to spot, the comings and goings of the Circle are still there. And parents indeed find it powerful to deepen their connection with their child through this lens.
Dr. Davis shares four important themes from her deep wisdom and experience facilitating Circle of Security Parenting (COSP).
1. COSP helps caregivers who may struggle to join their neurodivergent child in play because they perceive it to be repetitive or non-meaningful play.
Parents share stories of their child’s behavior that feels uncomfortable for them to watch. There is the child who is very passionate about looking at sticks, or a child who enjoys taking objects apart to inspect them, or a child who loves opening and closing doors, behaviors that appear repetitive or non-meaningful play. Sharing and naming their discomfort with others helps caregivers move beyond seeing these behaviors as problematic or in need of correction to seeing the need on the Top of the Circle for a ‘Enjoy with Me’ and ‘Delight in Me’ moments.
2. Caregivers appreciate the time to share their difficulties in delighting in a child who prefers a more neutral facial expression and little or no eye contact.
The conversations are rich and we have explored ways parents can find this shared delight alongside their child’s communication preferences. This opportunity often brings new joy to the relationship.
As one parent shared, “My child’s needs are very complex…The [COS] group helped me to identify where I’m falling short and need to adapt. It takes the diagnoses out of the picture and helps to parent the child for who they are.”
3. Physical touch is not the only way to provide comfort to struggling children.
Caregivers must be creative in finding novel ways to give comfort on the Bottom of the Circle when their child finds some physical touch quite aversive or draining. Squeezy cuddles might help some children with both connection and sensory regulation through proprioception, whilst another child needs their caregiver to provide specific music using headphones on the way home from school. And for those with language differences or non-speaking children, caregivers have shown me the power of communicating non-verbally, giving the message that they are there with their child in their big feelings and are the Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind presence in the storm, patiently guiding. In these moments, we think about how Being With includes both taking charge and following and back again, to keep everyone safe and provide Organize my Feelings when it all becomes too big. It is the process of building these routines of connection that brings predictability and security to the child.
4. Caregivers find a sense of community with each other.
Many parents come to the group feeling isolated and alone, feeling like they are the only ones and nobody understands.
As one caregiver shared, “Being with other parents and reflecting on their experiences and their use of the knowledge we picked up in the circle has been invaluable. With the Circle I felt that I’m not alone, I felt supported and listened to.”
By hearing from others, parents find a sense of community, and a safe space to reflect on their struggles and connect with the ideas of the group. With this comes the sharing of ideas and resources that other caregivers may not be aware of, helping to support their child.
Dr. Georgina Davis works in an NHS Child Development Centre in the UK with children aged 3 to 9 years who have suspected or confirmed neurodivergence, for example, autism, ADHD, communication differences, specific learning needs, and complex health needs. In a stretched system where referral criteria often turn people away, she loves that she can offer Circle of Security Parenting to anyone who wants it, regardless of where their child is on their diagnostic pathway.
