Many new parents are told that by responding too quickly or too warmly to an infant’s cries, they risk “spoiling” them. The fear is that too much attention will create a child who is weak, demanding, or self-centered.
But here’s the truth: you can’t spoil an infant.
Circle of Security Parenting (COS-P) teaches us that babies come into the world hardwired for connection. They need caregivers who can Be With them in their feelings — whether those feelings are of joy, fear, sadness, or excitement.
Emotional attunement is not a luxury for babies; it is a biological necessity.
Human infants are born neurologically immature. Unlike many other species, our babies rely completely on the caregiving environment to help organize their emotional and physiological states. In fact, studies have shown that when caregivers consistently respond to an infant’s emotional cues — offering comfort, delight, and soothing — it literally shapes the baby’s developing brain toward resilience and emotional health.
Some parents worry that focusing so much on their baby’s emotions will teach the child that “the whole world stops” every time they have a feeling. And indeed, if we kept treating an older child this way indefinitely, it would create problems. But infants are in a different developmental phase. In the first year of life, babies need countless repetitions of being soothed, delighted in, and responded to as if they are the center of their caregiver’s world. It’s through these early experiences that babies internalize a critical message:
“My feelings are safe. I am not alone with my experiences. I matter deeply to someone.”
When we give our babies this secure foundation, we aren’t raising demanding or fragile children — we’re raising children who trust. They trust that their emotions are manageable. They trust that others will be there for them. And with that trust, they become more capable of waiting, cooperating, and handling life’s inevitable frustrations as they grow.
In fact, research has found that the more synchrony of emotion between a caregiver and an infant in the first year, the more cooperative the child was at age two.
When a child feels secure in the relationship, they don’t have to cling or demand attention at every turn. They have internalized the belief:
“I am important and my needs will be met when the time is right.”
By the second year and beyond, when life demands that we redirect or ask for patience, the child can tolerate small frustrations because they know — deep down — that they are not alone and that their feelings matter.
In short: You can’t spoil a baby by responding to their emotions, by showing them affection and offering comfort.
Read more about the research here:
Winston and Chicot (2016) The importance of early bonding on the long-term mental health and resilience of children
Feldman (2007) Parent−Infant Synchrony: Biological Foundations and Developmental Outcomes
