With Awareness Comes Choice – Circle of Security International

COVID-19 Update

With Awareness Comes Choice

At the end of a COS-P group, I heard a lovely exchange between two parents talking about mean, weak, or gone.

Parent One, “I get so mean with my child. At first I didn’t know. But now I see it. I’m gonna stop doing that. OMG, I must look like an awful parent.”

Parent Two, “Now that you have been through this and see it you can help me see it.”

Parent One, “I feel like you are getting better at it….. So…. I was gonna tell you that when you are being serious and your son laughs at you, you can’t laugh.”

Parent Two, “I know but!”

Parent One, “But you do, you do laugh.”

Parent Two, “He makes me laugh!”

Parent One, “So, it’s like, uncomfortable for both of you?”

Parent Two, “I can’t help it. Help me with that.”

Something that interested me about this conversation is the difference in thinking between these two parents regarding how they approach their awareness of the struggle in the relationship with their child. The first parent recognizes that she is mean, and decides she has to stop doing that. But she is also worried about what others might think, and this might stop her from asking for help. It’s quite a different story for the second parent. Parent Two seems uncomfortable with exploring on her own, and asks questions that encourage Parent One to jump in and help her.

This is a nice example of how a parent’s state of mind impacts her quality of exploration. Both parents struggle, but Parent One seems?more comfortable figuring it out on her own, while Parent Two appears more comfortable asking for help. Where one hears Shark Music asking for help (struggle on the bottom of the Circle), the other hears Shark Music around doing it on her own (struggle on the top of the Circle). Both parents would benefit from the presence of a BSWK facilitator, to offer safe haven and help with organizing the experience, and to support exploration and provide opportunities for reflection.

Although it would be nice to be able to offer a technique (one size fits all) to help struggling parents like these two moms, this is an example of how two very different parents need a facilitator who can ‘be with’ them and help support them all the way around the Circle of Security. But here’s the good news. Once you become aware, it’s hard to be unaware. Now both these parents have a choice to either continue to listen to their Shark Music or do something different.