Using the Reflective Stance in our COSP Work – Circle of Security International

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Using the Reflective Stance in our COSP Work

Here is a nice example of how COSP Fidelity Coaching helps to build fidelity to the model, provides coaching opportunities, and supports reflective functioning. During a COS-P group, as a parent was sharing a sad story about her relationship with her child, she smiled throughout the telling of the story. She told a story of heartbreak, and still she smiled. The facilitator wondered if the parent was smiling to hide her emerging affect, and really wanted to ask the parent to reflect about her mismatch of affect in the telling of the story. At the same time, the facilitator became aware of her rising sense of agitation, and became curious about what was happening inside her. In that moment, she was able to use the reflective stance to make choices. She could either continue with her idea to question the parent, or wait until later and reflect on her internal experience. She decided to wait and reflect later. During COSP coaching, the facilitator shared her story. She was curious to reflect on whether her desire to confront this mom had anything to do with the irritation she feeling. The coach asked if it was possible that the irritation she was feeling was Shark Music. ?Of course!? With reflection, the facilitator realized that the mom?s mismatch of affect was causing her Shark Music. She just hadn?t been able to name it. She noted that if she questioned the mom about her mismatch of affect that it would have been more about her own Shark Music, and feelings of irritation with this mom, rather than about expanding reflection for the parent. She noted that asking about a mismatch may also have felt confrontational for the parent, and certainly would not feel much like a ?being with? experience for the group. In order to change our perceptions, we need opportunities for reflection. The facilitator was glad she had made the choice to wait and reflect with someone to make better sense of her own internal experience.